Untitled

I
HATE
THIS
FEELING.

A feeling of dissatisfaction, lonliness....
incomplete.
empty.

This shouldn't even bother me. I should be able to just stuff something as small as this and forget about it. I should be able to not think about it, and it would go away forever. That's how it's supposed to be. That's how it should be.

But no. It bites me in the ass.
Time after time
after time.

It shouldn't upset me that I can't afford a dress for prom, but my friends can.
It shouldn't bother me that I won't have a date..just like every other time.
It shouldn't frustrate me that I'm never happy no matter how much weight I lose.
It shouldn't stress me out that I'll be working two jobs to pay for college next fall.
It shouldn't frighten me that I have no idea where the hell I'll get $35,000+ for tuition.

But it does. And it always will.

Because no matter how many times I cram it, it never ceases to come back in one form or another. A form that has always taunted me since I was a little girl. A form that is so destructive, it almost cost me my life.
Insecurity.

I want to be secure in Christ. I don't want these earthly things to bother me. But He feels so far. And I feel like I can't reach Him..or even come close for that matter.

I want to feel Him. I want to see Him. I want his grace. I want his love.
Why doesn't it feel like I have it?
Why is it that everytime my stomach growls, I think "It's what I deserve"?
Why do I always have to be 10 pounds lighter?
Why is His beauty not enough for me?!

I can't pay for college. I just can't. I want to go to King's with everything inside of me. But I just can't put my parents in that position. A loan here, a loan there, I just cannot do it. But it's my dream.