Dear Troy

Dear Troy,

First of all, I want to thank you for being who are. I want to thank you for taking my side when everyone was against me (even if I was totally wrong), making me laugh when my world was falling apart, and for giving me this new sense of hope about who I am and where I'm going.

Your love for life overflows into my own. I can't help but get a taste of your passion, and I can honestly say that I've never found anything more satisfying, aside from the grace of Jesus Christ.

Which brings me to something else...

You delight yourself in the Lord. And if I were to be brutally honest, I envy that about you. But you don't brag on yourself. You don't judge or condescend. You make me feel loved and wanted, just like Jesus did.

You make me want to fall in love with Jesus when I wake up every morning. He is so real to you, and I am convinced that you truly understand the full meaning of a personal relationship with Him. You tell me things about Him that I have never thought of, as if you just had just spoken with Him.

You mystify me. They way you can articulate the beauty of nature and the things around you. It completely takes my breath away.

You fascinate me in a way that makes me want to learn more about you everyday and copy everything that you do. You are so different than anyone I have ever met, and I can't help but stare.

I don't know what I am in love with: you, or the thought of you. This, I'm still not sure of. I personally don't believe you must know someone for a long period of time before you "really" fall in love with them...because that definitely wasn't the case with you.

The first time I spoke with you, I knew you were different. And when I'm at my weakest, you're the one I want to talk to...because you remind me of Who my first love is, and you send me chasing after Him.

I always want to be around you. I thought people like you only existed in my imagination. Never lose sight of who you are...not just for your sake, or even for my sake...but for the sake of those who have lost hope altogether; you are their hope. You are their light in the darkness. Be the same light to them as you were to me.

Sincerely yours,

Esther

Love-struck

I feel like I can love him like I've always wanted to love someone...but I was always afraid to. I never felt like I could just--let lose. No fears. Just...love without worrying that he would resent me because of how I feel or what I say. 

He just accepts me. And it feels so wonderful.

I can't explain it, nor do I want to.

Maybe they're right...maybe the best things in life are even better if left unsaid.

I'm writing again. 

I just need to breathe. 

So much is happening...I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm getting there...it's all just...mush.

And dammit, I've got to stop trying to please everyone. I have to stop trying to live up to other people's expectations. I need to accept how I am.

I'm not the most sensitive person in the world; I wish I was.

I can't play any musical instrument if my life depended on it; I wish I could.

I'm weak; I wish I wasn't.

I give into pressure; I wish I didn't.

I am who I am. And maybe someday someone will love me for it. But I can't keep looking for love...becuase I can't find something if it's not looking for me, too. 

I just have to.....wait.

A Love Like This

I know what I should do...it's actually so simple. But why is it so difficult? I want to do the right thing...but why does it have to be so damn hard?

I know who I am, and this isn't me. At all. I want to be free...I'm tired of searching. I just want to find it! 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm under a magnifying glass, and everything I say/do has to abide according to what is considered "christianese." I want to break free of this bullshit so badly...but I don't want to fall and become so liberal and open-minded, that my entire belief system is always compromised so that everyone feels accepted.

When I fell in love with Jesus, I didn't know it was going to be this difficult. I didn't know that I would have to seek after Him this much. I thought that He would be all I ever wanted every single second of my life...I didn't think I would ever NOT want Him.

I feel so far away from Him. He has no reason to love me. But I'm still so madly in love with Him. He's so beautiful and perfect. Flawless. Forgiving. Will He take me back?

He really shouldn't. He can't be dumb enough to think that I won't break His heart again...I don't want to break His heart! I love Him! But I doubt that love so many times...I think that because I fail Him, He will fail me.

The way I picture Him looking at me--it takes my breath away. His face reflecting off the mountain top sunsets; His words tickling my ear like a cool breeze on the first day of autumn; and the way He always pulls me closer to Him, no matter how far away I go, it bewilders me..and my heart begins to flutter, and my breath quickens...because never, never in my life, have I ever experienced a love like this. 

To be free

Finally, my words are no longer filtered, and my secrets are no longer hidden;

Because, darling, you understand every bit of my existence.

No more concealing,

No more fear of revealing

what would have sent others running away.

You know me, and you embrace it;

The way you comfort me, I'll never forget,

Baby, don't let me go,

you're all I want. You're all I know.

Keep me safe, let's go somewhere alone,

where I can tell you all my secrets..

The world doesn't have to know.

It can be our safe haven--just you and I.

Don't think. Just try.

A Lovely Way to Die

There are so many things floating through my head at this very moment. I feel as though this can't be happening, this can't be true. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now, and nothing can stop me from following my heart wherever it takes me.

Love. A word tossed around so many times on so many occasions. The most over-used word in the English language. But what a wonderful word. And an even better experience. I love love. And when you experience it, nothing else seems to matter.

NYC is in 36 days (okay, MAYBE I'm counting down!). Scared shitless. But I'm so in love. With just being there, with my much-needed freedom and independence, with the laughter that will carry me through everyday, and maybe--just maybe--I'm in love with someone.

I feel lost-at-sea. And everywhere I look, there is water..or, love. It surrounds me, and to escape it, I have to dive in and try to swim away, but even then, my efforts are useless..because soon enough, the waves of love will crash over my head forever, and it will be last of me...

but what a lovely way to die, don't you agree?

Oh, Africa!

(Facebook Note from March 10, 2008)

**I wrote this before I went to Uganda, Africa that summer. It changed my life. And these were my thoughts when I learned about the horrible injustices that were going on in the lives of the Ugandan children.

I hear your aching heart,
and I seek to heal all your wounds.
I'm trying my best,
Honestly, I am.
I long to fill your hungry stomach;
To quench the thirst in your soul;
To replenish your heart from brokenness;
To vitalize the blood in your veins;

Oh, how I wish I could,
how I wish I could, for once, lose sight of myself,
and forget about my selfish desires,
in order to share a portion of my blessings with you.

But what do I do?
I keep them for myself..
The Grace that is meant to be shared,
the Grace that saves us all,
and the Grace that will heal your very own heart--
I keep to myself.

Oh God! Help my selfish heart!
Help me see through their tear-stained faces,
help me see past the hopelessness in their eyes..
and help me see them for who You see them as--
Your own creation.
Just like me. Just as I am. Just as all people. United as one. In the body of Christ.

Love is Patient

(Facebook Note from March 12, 2008)

This place we call home can seem so lonely,
This is not where I belong, I know this to be true..
But sometimes the only thing that keeps me going
is knowing that sooner or later I will find you.

I know these heartbreaks will be worth it,
and I know my patience will be praised;
But watching others fall in love
isn't something I can bear watching day after day.

How do I find you? Do you even exist?
Searching for you can sometimes seem so hopeless,
and some days I wonder if I should even persist.

But if you're out there,
and I pray everyday that you are,
Please have patience with me, too..
For I can guarantee that my love is not too far.

I promise I won't give up hope,
I'm here with arms wide open..

But I beg of you
Please don't settle for anything less
because when I put that ring on your finger,
I want you at your best.

Courage

(Facebook Note from March 30, 2008)

Do you know how big the world is? At first it seems like such a ridiculous concept to even begin to think about, but honestly, do we really know? Sure, I mean, there are scientific measurments stating the EXACT miles, latitude, longitute and whatnot...but think of it from a different angle...

Let's say there are 7 billion people in this world...and less than a billion live in America..that's 6 billion+ people living in the depths of the earth that we have never set foot on (not including those who have past away)..

That's so huge! And it completely blows my mind that I am containing myself to a tiny little suburb in some high-maitenence part of Florida. Lately I've been trying to really have the wisdom to understand how huge the earth is...and the more I think about it, the more I want to set sail for India, Sudan, Norway, Madagascar, Sri Lanka...all these countries that have people busy with their own lives and who are just living...just like me. It's so humbling...the moment I start to think that I am the center of the universe and that my world extends as far as Disney World, I stop and think of the never-sleeping cities in China that had millions of people in that city alone..I stop and think of each pair of eyes that are screaming out to be loved..and I just wish I could fill their hearts with truth and happiness--with hope that their lives DO mean something...

..But the exciting thing is that I know the One who CAN do that...and it's up to ME to see that each heart has the chance to be filled! How awesome is it to have such a responsibility! How amazing is it to KNOW that, through Christ, I indeed have the capacity to love with an unconditional love that can heal the deepest cuts and smooth the roughest edges. So, WHY are we wasting time? LOVE EACHOTHER! Help instead of judge, hope instead of critisize, and please, please love instead of hate. "Hate is easy; Love takes courage." Be courageous.

I'll Fly Away!

(Facebook Note from April 6, 2008)

Am I the only one who is excited about dying? Ok, ok...before you JUMP to conclusions, seriously think about it. I'm not necessarily saying that I want to die ASAP, but I'm just so anxious about when it will actually happen. Because you know what that means? It means that our work here is finished--and if we were living a life abiding by Christ, then His task in us is complete! How awesome is to have that feeling? A feeling of accomplishment..achievement. To think that the creator of this universe doesn't expect any more out of us, to think that all He has wanted to accomplish through our lives is now finished--that just baffles my mind. 

And really, think about what an UPGRADE it's going to be! When a christ-follower dies, I can't help but envy them in some odd way...Think about all these hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of songs that have been written and sung about this Creator whom we know exists, but we have never seen--for looking at Him in the face in the flesh would be impossible to live through...think about ACTUALLY seeing Him! 

Everytime I think about it, I can't help but see some of my chinese students walking on the streets of gold with me...Not having seen them in 40, 50, 60 years, and then all of a sudden, we're together again. What more could I ask for?



Some bright morning when this life is over, I'll fly away
To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away;
When the shadows of this life have grown, I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls, I'll fly away..

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

Oh, how glad and happy when we meet, I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet, I'll fly away..

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away
To a land where joy will never end, I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
When I die, hallellujah by and by, I'll fly away

LIVE

(Facebook Note from May 4, 2008)

I'm not sure how I am right now. When someone asks me "how are you?" I reply the generic "good." But I'm so much more than good--I'm content. 
It's such a better feeling than happiness, excitement, or anticipation. Those feelings fade; they're inconsistent.
I'm not content in that I don't want to see changes happen in my life, but I'm content in that I know that one day changes WILL happen. Whether it be next week, after I graduate, or 10 years from now, I know something amazing is going to happen in my life..
I don't want to go to grad school, I don't want to invest in some casino in Vegas and make billions, and I don't want to marry the first guy who says I'm pretty and live in Florida 'til I die..I want so much more than that. I want to see the GRAND CANYON!!--Silly, huh? So many people have been there a million times, but I haven't. And I want to see it. I also want to stand on top of Mt. Everest, scuba dive hundreds of feet down in the Pacific, walk through art museums in France, and maybe even dance on the moon!
..Everyday I find in myself a stronger desire to be something more...and maybe "content" isn't the right word; maybe this whole thing seems like such a paradox--but I really can't think of another way to describe it...
..I'm learning to get over things--to let things go. It's bitter at first, but after I'm finally set free of it, it's so beautiful. For the first time in my life, I don't care if I don't get married. I don't care if my kids names aren't EXACTLY Noah, James, and Abby. I don't care if I don't own a huge house tucked back in the country, and I don't care if I spend the rest of my life living in an unknown tribe in Africa....I just want to live.

Alabaster Box

(Facebook Note from July 8, 2008)

Have you ever felt mistreated? Not in a way that you think you deserve more, but almost in a way that you think you deserve less, and someone else deserves more..bordering on unfairness. 

I don't think I've ever experienced that until a few weeks ago. 

Faith. What is faith? "Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see." (Heb. 11:1) I believe that one's faith is tested when everything else is taken away..when you have absolutely NOTHING to hang onto. I can't say that I've ever been in that position. But I know people who have--I have met hundreds of people the past month who would be considered "deprived", "poor", and "less fortunate" by today's secular, materialistic, and self-seeking world.

Who are WE to decide what they have? What noble authority bestowed upon us the right to judge what these "poor" people have or don't have? In my opinion, WE are the less fortunate! I have never seen, heard, or experienced people with such great faith! And what I don't understand is why THEY aren't exalted and why THEY aren't commended for their hope and selfless attitudes.

I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve 3 meals a day. I don't deserve a closet full of clothes. I don't deserve a hot shower, a blanket to keep me warm, shoes to cover my feet, or a bed to sleep on. All my faith has been in vain! It's so EASY to have faith here! We're just too comfortable to realize it!

I met a girl at Bethany Village, an orphange, named Esther. She was 10 years old, but had more wisdom that I ever thought possible. At a mere 10 years old, she captured my thoughts, and I clung to every word she said, trying to unnderstand why she had so little, yet so much faith. Her father was hit and killed by a car 3 years earlier. Her mother could no longer take care of her and her siblings, so they were sent to this orphanage. When I asked how long it had been since she had seen her mother, she replied, "About 2 years..but I'm hoping to see her this summer when school lets out."

As I began to discuss the Kingdom of God with this little girl, her smile began to brighten and her words became more and more rich, full of faith, hope, and joy. I learned more from Esther than she learned from me. She is a woman of the Almighty--strong in her faith, wise in her words, and faithful in her walk. 

While these kids still need the daily necesseties of life, I believe their faith comes from the realization that they have nothing else aside from Christ. And isn't that true for all of us? Aside from the love of the Lord, what do we have? A vogue magazine? Diamond earrings? Or even friends? All of these things will fail us. They have all failed me. 

I rest in the comfort of the Lord. I rest in the knowledge that only His love satisfies. I am humbled to know that I have nowhere to go except to Him. Father, I break my alabaster box at your feet. "I believe; help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

Sunday Morning

(Facebook Note from July 27, 2008)

10:30 I woke up--in denial of what time it really was.
I managed to roll out of that warm, comfortable bed that I spend the majority of my life, and as I was doing so, my foot became stuck inbetween where the sheets tuck into the bottom of the mattress.. 

and so, unsurprisingly, I stumbled over a floor trashed with shoes, magazines, clothes, and price tags from department stores.
Usually after such a horrid start to a morning, I lose all enthusiasm toward the day that is facing me. But, much to my surprise, I stood up, back straight, chin up, and casually walked down the hall as if I had been awake since 7:00 am.
"What to eat, what to eat," I thought as I entered the infamous kitchen, my utmost enemy. A blender! Perfect!...in two trips to the refridgerator, I faithfully retrieved the soy milk & strawberries...and after they were all blended together, I enjoyed a wonderful heart-friendly strawberry smoothie while watching VH1's 'Lindsay Lohan: Hollywood's Trainwreck.'
What is it about a Sunday morning that has the ability to relieve oneself of any stress he might be facing? Maybe its the freedom of walking around in your underwear, drinking orange juice, hearing the rain fall against the dusty windows, or the pleasure of having a pointless conversation with a friend over coffee and cigarettes. We all have our reasons. For me, it's just another day to live what I forgot to live yesterday.
Good morning.

Vultures

(Facebook Note from September 16, 2008)

I am fallible; I know this to be true because it has been proven on numerous occasions. I know I talk too much, and I realize that I don't always have the right words to say or respond the right way in times of temptation. I already know all of this! But what I don't know is why my peers are limiting me to only what they think I am--which is an overly spontaneous, whimsical, never-think-twice, loud mouthed and sometimes weird girl who isn't afraid to say what she thinks. 

Why is this always what I'm simplified down to? Maybe I don't express myself enough--but it seems like when I do, I get laughed at. How wonderful. 

Am I some kind of math equation? ..Something that is difficult to understand, but can always be figured out with the same formula every time. Nothing more than that. No density. No volume. Nothing.

..Someone that can always take a joke, an insult, a cutting remark, something that would never be said to anyone else..but just because it's Esther, that means it can be said. Because she dishes it, so she can take it.
..Really? I insult people on a daily basis, mock what they say, and laugh at their opinion? I do that? Please, bring that to my attention next time I do that..Really, please. I never intend to hurt anyone, especially those I know and love the most, and if it was brought to my attention, I'd swear to never make the mistake again. Unfortunately, I don't think my peers are the same way. I've brought it to their attention, I've expressed how much it hurts--yes, it really does hurt--but I mean, c'mon, it's ME--I can take anything, right? 

I appreciate those who respect who I am. I'm someone who doesn't deserve anything..I have nothing. All I am is in Christ alone; He deserves the praise. But I'm not asking for anything. I'm not asking for a compliment. I'm not asking for a note that says "Have a good day." I'm not asking for a dinner invitation. All I want is to be heard for who I am and to be respected...for my differences to be accepted, and for my opinions to be considered before being swatted almost instantly. 

Sometimes I think people don't know me. They only know what they want they want to know. If you don't want to bother trying to get to know who I really am, that's fine with me. But do not pretend like you've got me all figured out..not even I have that part down yet, so how could you?

Underexposure

(Facebook Note from October 26, 2008)

A few months ago when I was at the bank, "Happy Birthday!" was written on a check that I was depositing. The lady asked "How old are you?" Blushing, I replied, "Only 17...I can't wait to graduate."
I looked to my left. There was a war veteran in a wheel chair in line next to me...he had tattoos from his war days down his arms, and I could tell he had faught in Vietnam. He had overheard what I had just said to the bank clerk, and without me saying anything else, he fired back, "Don't say that. Don't wish it would be over. Don't wish it away. Highschool flew by me so fast, it left skid-marks on my face."

I laughed. He humored me. But now that I find myself wishing away everything, I can't help but wonder if that man was right. 

I'm sick of people telling me what to do and how to do it. I'm sick of being held captive. I'm sick of being belittled. I'm sick of not being challenged. But most of all, I am sick and tired of being told what to think when I'm having enough trouble figuring it out for myself.

I feel like I have so much to offer. I feel like there's something LITERALLY tangible that I'm trying to grab, but I can't see it. I'm not kidding. I keep looking to my side to see if there's something there; I swear there is, but I just can't see it. There has to be something more...some kind of fuel or gasoline for the soul to keep it going.
Whatever it is, I want it. 

I hate how everytime I step outside into cold weather, I want to be married (as silly as that sounds). I hate how I spend money that I don't have. I hate that I have weak ankles and I fall when I'm standing still. 

I feel like I either need to just accept all of this, or there's a way to erase it all. But which one is it? There's only one way to find out..

Everybody is Just a Stranger

(Facebook Note from November 16, 2008)

These decisions used to overwhelm me. They used to torture me and always force me to re-think them over and over and over again. What am I going to do next fall? Where will I be living? How will I pay for it? What career path do I want to follow? How am I going to get there? Am I even smart enough? Is all my effort in vain?

I could sit here for days telling you exactly what I want to do. But the chances are very high that I'll just change my mind about it next week. This is what frustrates me.

However, I do know one thing: I know that I want to do something different. I don't want to go to college, get a degree in something I'll never use, and be a secretary for some creepy lawyer who hits on me everyday. I don't want to meet the guy of my dreams when I'm 19, get married, and be a mom at 20. I don't want to sing in a church choir and teach elementary school during the week.

While all of these things are wonderful (except the creepy lawyer), I can't see me doing any of that. The thought of living a safe life repulses me! I want to impact what people think. I'm always frustrated with the news, media, and politics that is putting crap into people's minds and leading them astray. I always say, "Why doesn't someone do something about it?! Why won't someone just grow a pair and be the one to step up to the plate in the midst of a lost world?!"

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted to be that person. I want to have the responsibility of leading people into a direction that would bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ. 

How am I going to do that? HA! Don't ask me...I have no clue. I've had my heart set on a major in Journalism/Media for a while, and it still appeals to me greatly. But There are so many fields that journalism leads to, and I don't know which one to choose. It's all so..overwhelming.

On a good note, I am so much farther than I was a year ago. On November 16, 2007 at 12:11 am, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Now I have some type of idea..and I'm running with it.


"Everybody is just a stranger, but that's the danger in going my own way."
-John Mayer

Serenity

(Facebook Note from November 23, 2008)

My head is buzzing from the rush you give me, and my hands begin to shake. I've never even met you; I don't know your name. But this sensation you send through me, it leaves me in complete bewilderment.
So, how do you do it? How do you know exactly what I need and where to meet me? I'm trusting that you know, because I sure don't. I'm chasing you, but have no idea where to begin.
I see an open field, covered in microscopic snowflakes that never seem to stop falling; I see leaves decaying, and a new life forming under the bed they make on the earth; I hear sweet, melodious music coming from the antique piano for the first time in years; and then I picture your skin: snow white and flawless. The creases above your lips that form when you smile leave my knees with no excuse to hold my weight..and everything inside me fails. My eyesight weakens, and I worry you'll recognize my fallibility and take advantage of my lacks..but you don't.
Where did you come from? And why is there no one else that captures my imagination perfectly like you do?
I've waited for you. I have waited. I have endured, and I have planned. I have prepared myself for something that only you can give me. Something that can endure anything this world throws at me with just a mere glance of those deep, brown eyes, and the way the sun reflects off them and sends my body back several feet. You take me off guard, and I am left naked. Imperfection leaks out, and I am revealed. This isn't what I dreamed of; this isn't what I planned. You are far too extraordinary to take me as I am.
Your beauty moves me into dilussion. I doubt you even realize how captivating your words are as they roll of your lips, but they can persuade me into doing absolutely anything, and yet you only ask me to love you in return. Could this be any easier?

What I'm Created For

(Facebook Note from March 27)

Life is full of surprises. Some make you cry, others make you laugh. And then there are some that stop you dead-on in your tracks, looking side to side, wondering what the heck just happened, how it happened, and what you did to deserve something as wonderful as it.

That's where I am.

Over $100,000 in the hole, I never thought I'd be able to attend this college, much less succeed academically. But what I have seen happen over the last few months was nothing short of a fragment of the glory and provision of the Lord. I've always known I've been called to something bigger than what is laying right at my feet. I could always feel this calling to jump off the ledge, have faith like a child, and just believe.

I have no idea what to expect. I havn't a clue as to what my income will be, if I'll even like it, if I'll fail, or if I'll cry my eyes out every night wanting to come home. All I know is that right now, I've never been happier in my life. Not because I've gotten what I wanted, but because I am doing what I am called to do. And there's something about chasing after your calling, there's something about believing that you are here to serve a purpose, there's something about taking a risk, that makes me feel more joy and peace than I have ever felt before. Dang straight, I'm scared out of my mind, but I couldn't be happier. I'm finally where I'm supposed to be. This is what I was created for.

More To It

(Facebook Note from March 31)

Grace comes like rain.
It comes when we're thirsty and in dire need of a drink. Parched, afraid, brittle, on the very edge of dehydration. Our throats are dry, and we instantly regret all the times that we begged for the sun, tossing away the importance of our much-needed rain.

Just as we are wasting away, when we are crumbling over--worthless and decaying--it falls upon us.
No, no, It doesn't fall..it pours.
Drenches.
Soaks.
It comsumes us. And in expasperation we close our eyes and breathe for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. We open our mouths and taste the droplets on our tongue, dry from our foolish complaints and disbelief in a God that knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

Grace comes when it's the last thing we deserve. It's our answer to help. And it saves us every time. 
------

I always like to flip through my Bible and look at the things I have marked, underlined, and circled. Most of the time I can recall what point in my life I was at by what is marked. 
I was reading the last verse of John 21 when the disciple was talking of how Jesus was far more than is in scripture, and no amount of paper could contain all that He did. When I read that, I felt 60 times smaller. 

You mean there's MORE?

Suprisingly, I didn't find that overwhelming..at all. Normally, I would begin my daily "search for answers," which consists of asking other people for their opinions on scripture and then telling them that they're wrong. Then that is usually followed by a rapid outburst of fury at God for "not telling me what/how/why/when." Hahaha! Apparently, He "owes" that to me......right.

On the contrary, I was chill. It's so comforting to know that I don't know everything about my Lord..because then what kind of God would that be? It's so great to finally understand that as a human being, I'm NOT supposed to be able to comprehend every intricate detail of my Savior..

..He only asks me to love Him with my entire heart and soul.

I guess I can live with that.

A False Theory

(Facebook Note from May 6)

Most everything I do is a complete waste of time. And I'm pretty sure every one of you can relate.
We sit behind a wooden desk five days a week, staring out a glass window. We clean our house, car, rooms, etc...and then a week later, it's messy again. We invest our time in others, and then they hurt us. We spend our money on things that sparkle, but then we only want more.
Even more so, we eat, sleep, and breathe...but even that is not enough...because in just a short bit, we repeat the same cycle. 
I go through everyday like a robot. Doing what my instincts tell me to do in order to stay alive and in order to make myself happy. But why? It's never enough. And it never will be. 

There is one exception to this seemingly inevitable law of nature.
The spirit of the One True God.
Finally, there is something worth my time. Finally, there is something absolute, worth investing in, and never doomed to fail. 
Finally..life has a purpose and meaning.

No longer is my life a continous night fest of coming home wasted, going to my pointless job, or getting a paycheck in the mail to spend on yet another thing that will soon fade away and leave me thirsty for more. 
Finally, I have a reason to move, a reason to open my eyes in the morning, a reason to do whatever I can to stay alive.

People vs. Animals

(Facebook Note from May 30)

People are so interesting. The different talents, feelings, laughter, smiles, passions, intellects, fears, hopes, dreams, interests, strengths, weaknesses, etc etc..the list goes on.

It's quite amusing how predictable they are, as well. While we often disagree and say that you can never actually predict how someone will respond, because after all, we are SO complex and unique beyond any comparison. This is true, but is it really THAT difficult to analyze how a person will respond in a given situation? 
Don't be so naiive. We are all humans. Whether we realize it or not, we have instincts. We have a conscience. We know what we SHOULD do, but sometimes the desire to do what we WANT to do is over-powering..
Actually, most of the time, that is the case.

It's what we do. It's what is expected. It is in our exact DNA to retaliate in anger, seek vengence, tear down our enemies at all costs in order relinquish our insecurities, manipulate others to gain for ourselves, lie when we are scared, believe that MORE of the same things will bring as hope and satisfaction. 
We are as predictable as animals, whether we like it or not. It's in our blood, and we can't control it, we can't deny it. We may succeed in fighting against our instincts for a while, but no matter what we do, it will inevitabely grow back again--perhaps stronger than it was in the first place. Our effort to fight what is programed inside of us is..useless.

We are lost...hopelessly stuck in a downward spiral of following our innate characteristics to be liars, cheaters, whores, thieves, murderers, money-lovers, blood-seekers, and unfaithful friends, siblings, wives, and husbands.
We do what we want, when we want it--no matter the cost.
Because it feels so good..and we cannot put out the fire. 

So, we give up...and we let our instincts control us. We allow the same things that drive animals take control of us. People. Humans. Brothers. Sisters. Best friends. Mothers. Fathers. Wives. Husbands. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. Teachers. Doctors. Lawyers.
And without even realizing it, our humanity is lowered to that of an animal--because we allow ourselves to be controlled by what feels good, right, just, and satisfying.
We are animals. Living in a world that is controlled by what we want. Not what benefits the people sitting right in front of us.

"Every man for himself."
"Do or die."
"Stand your ground."
"This is your life."

"Do what feels right."


What have we done to ourselves?
How could we NOT need to be rescued?

And you know what is amazing to me?
We did this to ourselves.

God of Israel, have mercy on us.

Who I Am

(Facebook Note from June 30)

This attention if overrated,
'cause when the lights, the friends, the laughs have all faded,
what is left but a heart of brokenness begging to be nothing less
than a steady beat that could earn some respect for once.

Like a thief in the night, you rob my security,
stepping over me like some form of authority,
And I know I'm not one to cast the blame,
but how can I not when I'm called "the joker" instead of my name?

All I ask is that you just give me a chance,
and I promise I'll prove to be everything I always was,
but you never could see.
Hear my voice.
Let me speak.
Because you have no idea--
no idea--
Who I am.

You're Done

(Facebook Note from July 3)

I'm stepping out of this box and putting on my coat,
it's gotten thicker through the years
from all of the signals you gave me that sent me falling at your feet.
Running after you was such a big mistake,
and seeing you with her was almost too much for me to take.

But the best part is that soon I won't see you anymore
Someone new will steal my heart,
and he won't lead me on just to tear me apart.
And everytime we kiss, and everytime we laugh,
I'll remember how in love with you I used to be,
and how glad I am that I didn't didn't cheapen my worth
because you were too blind to see that you could've been the luckiest guy on earth.

I'm done with trying to get you on my side,
cuz I know to you it's just a game,
but it looks like your turn is up.
So here I go, I'm rolling the dice,
and it's my turn to move, so I say goodbye
to all the crap you put me through.
Yeah, I'm leaving,
I'm leaving without you.

Too much medication

(Facebook Note from July 14)

I am made so complex, and sometimes, I hate it more than anything. I hate how I have the potential to miss someone more than words can ever describe. I hate how things like life, heart beats, and rain makes me happy for reasons that I cannot explain.

Being human opens me up to more heart break and disappointment than any other life form in the universe. 

Who I am is so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. It's only a few short words, but it revolves around an idea that not even I can begin to describe. There are times when I find myself deeply in love with someone I've never even met, only dreamed of. There are moments when I feel like I'm totally lost in knowing where I am, or for the time being, who I am.

The thing is, I don't think I'll ever fully understand myself. I'm a mystery to myself. It's something that I can't see all the way through...only halfway. All I need is one thing that I can see clearly--one thing to believe--one thing that I can always go back to when shit happens and be like, "I believe this..because I can see it's depths and dimensions and still understand every part of it." I need that.

Homesick

I miss Africa so much right now. I miss it so much, it hurts to breathe.

When I was there, I felt heaven. I saw the eyes of Jesus. Love without ceasing. Hope when nothing else is left. Faith in the midst of helplessness. 

What makes them so "undeserving"? That is something that I don't think I will EVER understand! Why does God allow that? Why?! I can't grasp it! I hate being so resentful to such an omniscient God, but I can't help it. It doesn't make sense. Father, why do your children go hungry? Why does your love seem so far?

Sometimes I wonder if God allows things like that to happen because, in certain moments, you can feel his presence...and it's in those moments that you feel heaven. And isn't that what He wants for us? He wants us to be with Him and feel his all-consuming presence.

In a way, it's almost painful. Because it's not like you can just experience heaven and then just move on with your day-to-day life...instead, you're constantly hungering for more of it. I can't stop thinking about it...I crave it. So, I guess I'm homesick....homesick for a place I've never been, but I know I'm going. 

Parched

Ever foamed at the mouth because you're so thirsty? That happened to me yesterday...I felt like I had rabies or something. Totally random.

It's kind of weird looking at older posts. I almost want to delete them because I don't feel that way anymore...but then I would be erasing a time in my life that I'll never get back. And I don't want to do that.

You know, I've never been great at song-writing. Hell, I wish I could be articulate/driven enough to put my feelings into a beautiful ballad or something of the sort, but I've just never been able to do it like other people. Which is fine, I guess...

There are some people that I wish I could always be with, or always be a part of their life. You know, watch them change into the person they were called to be, see their strengths build others up, and see their weaknesses help those who struggle with the same things...I wish I could just be there to witness where life takes them. It seems like it would be a fascinating journey that I'd never want to take a break from...

That's how I want to feel about my guy. I don't "want to want" to have control..if that makes sense. I want to be able to say "wherever you go, I will go" and mean it, too. I want to be there, holding his hand, following him like a shepherd, trusting every move he makes will help me grow to be a better person, and knowing all the while that every single one of his decisions are made out of his unconditional love for me and what I mean to him.

I can't wait for a love like that. There is something so rare about that, and it makes me wonder if there really is only one "right" person for you. I think there is. I haven't found him yet, and that can only mean one of 4 things:

1. He doesn't exist.

2. He died.

3. I already met him and he just thinks I'm a complete nut case.

or 4. We haven't crossed paths yet.

Untitled

I
HATE
THIS
FEELING.

A feeling of dissatisfaction, lonliness....
incomplete.
empty.

This shouldn't even bother me. I should be able to just stuff something as small as this and forget about it. I should be able to not think about it, and it would go away forever. That's how it's supposed to be. That's how it should be.

But no. It bites me in the ass.
Time after time
after time.

It shouldn't upset me that I can't afford a dress for prom, but my friends can.
It shouldn't bother me that I won't have a date..just like every other time.
It shouldn't frustrate me that I'm never happy no matter how much weight I lose.
It shouldn't stress me out that I'll be working two jobs to pay for college next fall.
It shouldn't frighten me that I have no idea where the hell I'll get $35,000+ for tuition.

But it does. And it always will.

Because no matter how many times I cram it, it never ceases to come back in one form or another. A form that has always taunted me since I was a little girl. A form that is so destructive, it almost cost me my life.
Insecurity.

I want to be secure in Christ. I don't want these earthly things to bother me. But He feels so far. And I feel like I can't reach Him..or even come close for that matter.

I want to feel Him. I want to see Him. I want his grace. I want his love.
Why doesn't it feel like I have it?
Why is it that everytime my stomach growls, I think "It's what I deserve"?
Why do I always have to be 10 pounds lighter?
Why is His beauty not enough for me?!

I can't pay for college. I just can't. I want to go to King's with everything inside of me. But I just can't put my parents in that position. A loan here, a loan there, I just cannot do it. But it's my dream.

Hopeless

Sometimes I feel like I'm called to celibacy. As silly and unbelievable as that sounds, there really are times when I believe it.

And the weird thing is that it does not scare me. 

It does not cause me worry.

It does not frustrate me.

It does not make me feel less valuable.

It's just..weird. I know I'm probably just going through one of those "phases" again, but I mean, out of all the guys I have met, I can never picture myself with any of them. 

No doubt, I have been in love before, at least what my young mind perceived to be "love" at the time, but if I ever picture myself to be married to them, I can come up with a list almost instantly of why it wouldn't work out...why it would fail...why he is not the one for me.

And I hate how people always say, "Just be satisfied with God's love and HE will provide a spouse for you! Just wait for that perfect guy that God has hand-picked for you!"

But if you're truely and sincerely satisfied with Christ's love, then shouldn't you not assume that He WANTS you to be married? Shouldn't you, rather, be at peace and content for whatever He decides to do with your life? Why "assume" what He wants for you? That has never made much sense to me. In my opinion, it's a hell of a paradox.

I just don't see how I could ever find a guy that is outrageously passionate for Jesus Christ, unselfish, patient, forgiving, encouraging, outgoing, and loves me for who I am..despite my belief for animal-rights, jiggly thighs, pride, and my sinful compulsive-buying. I can't imagine a guy who will always say "It's okay. I still love you" everytime I screw up. I can't conceive a love as great as Christ's love for the church, as Paul commands a man to love his wife in Romans. 

Did Paul really know what he was saying when he told men to love their wives like that? Just as Christ loves us? That's pretty powerful. He wouldn't have said that if it weren't possible, but as each day passes by, I feel as if I'm being called to something greater.

I have no desire to get married at 20 and have kids 2 years later. A family is the last thing on my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone to love. Someone to care about. Someone to encourage and guide me in my walk with Christ. Someone to submit to and follow because I love them more than I love myself. I want that. I want to have the kind of mutual love that changes who I am as a person. I want to experience that.

But it just bewilders me at how..hopeless this scenario seems. I have high expectations for "my guy" (if there is one.) And I won't lower the bar. If no one meets the standards, then so be it. But I'm not settling. I know these standards aren't too high for God, so that's why I'm in no hurry. If something's supposed to happen, it will.

Celibacy would save me a buttload of money, too.

...joke.

A Mere Spark

What I would like to know is why I am angry at myself because of this. I know how I feel, and there's nothing I can do about it--so why does it bother me so much?

Maybe it's because he ignores me. Maybe it's because I display every effort to be a friend to him, but it seems like he doesn't appreciate it. Or maybe it's because I feel like he thinks I'm not supposed to be with him..and it's killing me to find out why.

There has been chemistry before, I just know it. Why isn't it there now? What happened?

I know I'm leaving next fall, and he's staying here. There's no way around it. I know that if anything happened between us, it would end in heartbreak. But for some reason, some strange only-God-knows reason, I feel like we're meant to be with eachother...maybe not forever, maybe not...but for a certain period of time. As ironic as this sounds, I almost feel like the heartbreak would be worth it. It would be worth every second. I've experienced real heartbreak; I know what it feels like. I have met guys that I have fallen head-over-heels for, but none of them would be worth the heartache...except for this one.

I feel silly going on and on about him. Because really, he annoys me. It annoys me that he relies on his righteousness to define him, and it annoys me that he can't relate to people. He isn't the first person that I'd pick to go out to dinner with. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an idiot.

However, something inside me tenses up when he's near. It's like his presence releases me from the walls I contain myself to. Don't ask me how or why. I have no idea. I don't know how anything of this takes place. All I know is that it happens. And that's enough for me.

But I think this is something that I need to ignore. Because honestly, I don't want to know if he feels the same way. But how long will this spark linger?