A Mere Spark

What I would like to know is why I am angry at myself because of this. I know how I feel, and there's nothing I can do about it--so why does it bother me so much?

Maybe it's because he ignores me. Maybe it's because I display every effort to be a friend to him, but it seems like he doesn't appreciate it. Or maybe it's because I feel like he thinks I'm not supposed to be with him..and it's killing me to find out why.

There has been chemistry before, I just know it. Why isn't it there now? What happened?

I know I'm leaving next fall, and he's staying here. There's no way around it. I know that if anything happened between us, it would end in heartbreak. But for some reason, some strange only-God-knows reason, I feel like we're meant to be with eachother...maybe not forever, maybe not...but for a certain period of time. As ironic as this sounds, I almost feel like the heartbreak would be worth it. It would be worth every second. I've experienced real heartbreak; I know what it feels like. I have met guys that I have fallen head-over-heels for, but none of them would be worth the heartache...except for this one.

I feel silly going on and on about him. Because really, he annoys me. It annoys me that he relies on his righteousness to define him, and it annoys me that he can't relate to people. He isn't the first person that I'd pick to go out to dinner with. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an idiot.

However, something inside me tenses up when he's near. It's like his presence releases me from the walls I contain myself to. Don't ask me how or why. I have no idea. I don't know how anything of this takes place. All I know is that it happens. And that's enough for me.

But I think this is something that I need to ignore. Because honestly, I don't want to know if he feels the same way. But how long will this spark linger?