Hopeless

Sometimes I feel like I'm called to celibacy. As silly and unbelievable as that sounds, there really are times when I believe it.

And the weird thing is that it does not scare me. 

It does not cause me worry.

It does not frustrate me.

It does not make me feel less valuable.

It's just..weird. I know I'm probably just going through one of those "phases" again, but I mean, out of all the guys I have met, I can never picture myself with any of them. 

No doubt, I have been in love before, at least what my young mind perceived to be "love" at the time, but if I ever picture myself to be married to them, I can come up with a list almost instantly of why it wouldn't work out...why it would fail...why he is not the one for me.

And I hate how people always say, "Just be satisfied with God's love and HE will provide a spouse for you! Just wait for that perfect guy that God has hand-picked for you!"

But if you're truely and sincerely satisfied with Christ's love, then shouldn't you not assume that He WANTS you to be married? Shouldn't you, rather, be at peace and content for whatever He decides to do with your life? Why "assume" what He wants for you? That has never made much sense to me. In my opinion, it's a hell of a paradox.

I just don't see how I could ever find a guy that is outrageously passionate for Jesus Christ, unselfish, patient, forgiving, encouraging, outgoing, and loves me for who I am..despite my belief for animal-rights, jiggly thighs, pride, and my sinful compulsive-buying. I can't imagine a guy who will always say "It's okay. I still love you" everytime I screw up. I can't conceive a love as great as Christ's love for the church, as Paul commands a man to love his wife in Romans. 

Did Paul really know what he was saying when he told men to love their wives like that? Just as Christ loves us? That's pretty powerful. He wouldn't have said that if it weren't possible, but as each day passes by, I feel as if I'm being called to something greater.

I have no desire to get married at 20 and have kids 2 years later. A family is the last thing on my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone to love. Someone to care about. Someone to encourage and guide me in my walk with Christ. Someone to submit to and follow because I love them more than I love myself. I want that. I want to have the kind of mutual love that changes who I am as a person. I want to experience that.

But it just bewilders me at how..hopeless this scenario seems. I have high expectations for "my guy" (if there is one.) And I won't lower the bar. If no one meets the standards, then so be it. But I'm not settling. I know these standards aren't too high for God, so that's why I'm in no hurry. If something's supposed to happen, it will.

Celibacy would save me a buttload of money, too.

...joke.

A Mere Spark

What I would like to know is why I am angry at myself because of this. I know how I feel, and there's nothing I can do about it--so why does it bother me so much?

Maybe it's because he ignores me. Maybe it's because I display every effort to be a friend to him, but it seems like he doesn't appreciate it. Or maybe it's because I feel like he thinks I'm not supposed to be with him..and it's killing me to find out why.

There has been chemistry before, I just know it. Why isn't it there now? What happened?

I know I'm leaving next fall, and he's staying here. There's no way around it. I know that if anything happened between us, it would end in heartbreak. But for some reason, some strange only-God-knows reason, I feel like we're meant to be with eachother...maybe not forever, maybe not...but for a certain period of time. As ironic as this sounds, I almost feel like the heartbreak would be worth it. It would be worth every second. I've experienced real heartbreak; I know what it feels like. I have met guys that I have fallen head-over-heels for, but none of them would be worth the heartache...except for this one.

I feel silly going on and on about him. Because really, he annoys me. It annoys me that he relies on his righteousness to define him, and it annoys me that he can't relate to people. He isn't the first person that I'd pick to go out to dinner with. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an idiot.

However, something inside me tenses up when he's near. It's like his presence releases me from the walls I contain myself to. Don't ask me how or why. I have no idea. I don't know how anything of this takes place. All I know is that it happens. And that's enough for me.

But I think this is something that I need to ignore. Because honestly, I don't want to know if he feels the same way. But how long will this spark linger?