Dear Troy

Dear Troy,

First of all, I want to thank you for being who are. I want to thank you for taking my side when everyone was against me (even if I was totally wrong), making me laugh when my world was falling apart, and for giving me this new sense of hope about who I am and where I'm going.

Your love for life overflows into my own. I can't help but get a taste of your passion, and I can honestly say that I've never found anything more satisfying, aside from the grace of Jesus Christ.

Which brings me to something else...

You delight yourself in the Lord. And if I were to be brutally honest, I envy that about you. But you don't brag on yourself. You don't judge or condescend. You make me feel loved and wanted, just like Jesus did.

You make me want to fall in love with Jesus when I wake up every morning. He is so real to you, and I am convinced that you truly understand the full meaning of a personal relationship with Him. You tell me things about Him that I have never thought of, as if you just had just spoken with Him.

You mystify me. They way you can articulate the beauty of nature and the things around you. It completely takes my breath away.

You fascinate me in a way that makes me want to learn more about you everyday and copy everything that you do. You are so different than anyone I have ever met, and I can't help but stare.

I don't know what I am in love with: you, or the thought of you. This, I'm still not sure of. I personally don't believe you must know someone for a long period of time before you "really" fall in love with them...because that definitely wasn't the case with you.

The first time I spoke with you, I knew you were different. And when I'm at my weakest, you're the one I want to talk to...because you remind me of Who my first love is, and you send me chasing after Him.

I always want to be around you. I thought people like you only existed in my imagination. Never lose sight of who you are...not just for your sake, or even for my sake...but for the sake of those who have lost hope altogether; you are their hope. You are their light in the darkness. Be the same light to them as you were to me.

Sincerely yours,

Esther

Love-struck

I feel like I can love him like I've always wanted to love someone...but I was always afraid to. I never felt like I could just--let lose. No fears. Just...love without worrying that he would resent me because of how I feel or what I say. 

He just accepts me. And it feels so wonderful.

I can't explain it, nor do I want to.

Maybe they're right...maybe the best things in life are even better if left unsaid.

I'm writing again. 

I just need to breathe. 

So much is happening...I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm getting there...it's all just...mush.

And dammit, I've got to stop trying to please everyone. I have to stop trying to live up to other people's expectations. I need to accept how I am.

I'm not the most sensitive person in the world; I wish I was.

I can't play any musical instrument if my life depended on it; I wish I could.

I'm weak; I wish I wasn't.

I give into pressure; I wish I didn't.

I am who I am. And maybe someday someone will love me for it. But I can't keep looking for love...becuase I can't find something if it's not looking for me, too. 

I just have to.....wait.

A Love Like This

I know what I should do...it's actually so simple. But why is it so difficult? I want to do the right thing...but why does it have to be so damn hard?

I know who I am, and this isn't me. At all. I want to be free...I'm tired of searching. I just want to find it! 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm under a magnifying glass, and everything I say/do has to abide according to what is considered "christianese." I want to break free of this bullshit so badly...but I don't want to fall and become so liberal and open-minded, that my entire belief system is always compromised so that everyone feels accepted.

When I fell in love with Jesus, I didn't know it was going to be this difficult. I didn't know that I would have to seek after Him this much. I thought that He would be all I ever wanted every single second of my life...I didn't think I would ever NOT want Him.

I feel so far away from Him. He has no reason to love me. But I'm still so madly in love with Him. He's so beautiful and perfect. Flawless. Forgiving. Will He take me back?

He really shouldn't. He can't be dumb enough to think that I won't break His heart again...I don't want to break His heart! I love Him! But I doubt that love so many times...I think that because I fail Him, He will fail me.

The way I picture Him looking at me--it takes my breath away. His face reflecting off the mountain top sunsets; His words tickling my ear like a cool breeze on the first day of autumn; and the way He always pulls me closer to Him, no matter how far away I go, it bewilders me..and my heart begins to flutter, and my breath quickens...because never, never in my life, have I ever experienced a love like this. 

To be free

Finally, my words are no longer filtered, and my secrets are no longer hidden;

Because, darling, you understand every bit of my existence.

No more concealing,

No more fear of revealing

what would have sent others running away.

You know me, and you embrace it;

The way you comfort me, I'll never forget,

Baby, don't let me go,

you're all I want. You're all I know.

Keep me safe, let's go somewhere alone,

where I can tell you all my secrets..

The world doesn't have to know.

It can be our safe haven--just you and I.

Don't think. Just try.

A Lovely Way to Die

There are so many things floating through my head at this very moment. I feel as though this can't be happening, this can't be true. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now, and nothing can stop me from following my heart wherever it takes me.

Love. A word tossed around so many times on so many occasions. The most over-used word in the English language. But what a wonderful word. And an even better experience. I love love. And when you experience it, nothing else seems to matter.

NYC is in 36 days (okay, MAYBE I'm counting down!). Scared shitless. But I'm so in love. With just being there, with my much-needed freedom and independence, with the laughter that will carry me through everyday, and maybe--just maybe--I'm in love with someone.

I feel lost-at-sea. And everywhere I look, there is water..or, love. It surrounds me, and to escape it, I have to dive in and try to swim away, but even then, my efforts are useless..because soon enough, the waves of love will crash over my head forever, and it will be last of me...

but what a lovely way to die, don't you agree?

Oh, Africa!

(Facebook Note from March 10, 2008)

**I wrote this before I went to Uganda, Africa that summer. It changed my life. And these were my thoughts when I learned about the horrible injustices that were going on in the lives of the Ugandan children.

I hear your aching heart,
and I seek to heal all your wounds.
I'm trying my best,
Honestly, I am.
I long to fill your hungry stomach;
To quench the thirst in your soul;
To replenish your heart from brokenness;
To vitalize the blood in your veins;

Oh, how I wish I could,
how I wish I could, for once, lose sight of myself,
and forget about my selfish desires,
in order to share a portion of my blessings with you.

But what do I do?
I keep them for myself..
The Grace that is meant to be shared,
the Grace that saves us all,
and the Grace that will heal your very own heart--
I keep to myself.

Oh God! Help my selfish heart!
Help me see through their tear-stained faces,
help me see past the hopelessness in their eyes..
and help me see them for who You see them as--
Your own creation.
Just like me. Just as I am. Just as all people. United as one. In the body of Christ.