I know who I am, and this isn't me. At all. I want to be free...I'm tired of searching. I just want to find it!
I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm under a magnifying glass, and everything I say/do has to abide according to what is considered "christianese." I want to break free of this bullshit so badly...but I don't want to fall and become so liberal and open-minded, that my entire belief system is always compromised so that everyone feels accepted.
When I fell in love with Jesus, I didn't know it was going to be this difficult. I didn't know that I would have to seek after Him this much. I thought that He would be all I ever wanted every single second of my life...I didn't think I would ever NOT want Him.
I feel so far away from Him. He has no reason to love me. But I'm still so madly in love with Him. He's so beautiful and perfect. Flawless. Forgiving. Will He take me back?
He really shouldn't. He can't be dumb enough to think that I won't break His heart again...I don't want to break His heart! I love Him! But I doubt that love so many times...I think that because I fail Him, He will fail me.
The way I picture Him looking at me--it takes my breath away. His face reflecting off the mountain top sunsets; His words tickling my ear like a cool breeze on the first day of autumn; and the way He always pulls me closer to Him, no matter how far away I go, it bewilders me..and my heart begins to flutter, and my breath quickens...because never, never in my life, have I ever experienced a love like this.
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