Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Underexposure

(Facebook Note from October 26, 2008)

A few months ago when I was at the bank, "Happy Birthday!" was written on a check that I was depositing. The lady asked "How old are you?" Blushing, I replied, "Only 17...I can't wait to graduate."
I looked to my left. There was a war veteran in a wheel chair in line next to me...he had tattoos from his war days down his arms, and I could tell he had faught in Vietnam. He had overheard what I had just said to the bank clerk, and without me saying anything else, he fired back, "Don't say that. Don't wish it would be over. Don't wish it away. Highschool flew by me so fast, it left skid-marks on my face."

I laughed. He humored me. But now that I find myself wishing away everything, I can't help but wonder if that man was right. 

I'm sick of people telling me what to do and how to do it. I'm sick of being held captive. I'm sick of being belittled. I'm sick of not being challenged. But most of all, I am sick and tired of being told what to think when I'm having enough trouble figuring it out for myself.

I feel like I have so much to offer. I feel like there's something LITERALLY tangible that I'm trying to grab, but I can't see it. I'm not kidding. I keep looking to my side to see if there's something there; I swear there is, but I just can't see it. There has to be something more...some kind of fuel or gasoline for the soul to keep it going.
Whatever it is, I want it. 

I hate how everytime I step outside into cold weather, I want to be married (as silly as that sounds). I hate how I spend money that I don't have. I hate that I have weak ankles and I fall when I'm standing still. 

I feel like I either need to just accept all of this, or there's a way to erase it all. But which one is it? There's only one way to find out..

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