Hopeless

Sometimes I feel like I'm called to celibacy. As silly and unbelievable as that sounds, there really are times when I believe it.

And the weird thing is that it does not scare me. 

It does not cause me worry.

It does not frustrate me.

It does not make me feel less valuable.

It's just..weird. I know I'm probably just going through one of those "phases" again, but I mean, out of all the guys I have met, I can never picture myself with any of them. 

No doubt, I have been in love before, at least what my young mind perceived to be "love" at the time, but if I ever picture myself to be married to them, I can come up with a list almost instantly of why it wouldn't work out...why it would fail...why he is not the one for me.

And I hate how people always say, "Just be satisfied with God's love and HE will provide a spouse for you! Just wait for that perfect guy that God has hand-picked for you!"

But if you're truely and sincerely satisfied with Christ's love, then shouldn't you not assume that He WANTS you to be married? Shouldn't you, rather, be at peace and content for whatever He decides to do with your life? Why "assume" what He wants for you? That has never made much sense to me. In my opinion, it's a hell of a paradox.

I just don't see how I could ever find a guy that is outrageously passionate for Jesus Christ, unselfish, patient, forgiving, encouraging, outgoing, and loves me for who I am..despite my belief for animal-rights, jiggly thighs, pride, and my sinful compulsive-buying. I can't imagine a guy who will always say "It's okay. I still love you" everytime I screw up. I can't conceive a love as great as Christ's love for the church, as Paul commands a man to love his wife in Romans. 

Did Paul really know what he was saying when he told men to love their wives like that? Just as Christ loves us? That's pretty powerful. He wouldn't have said that if it weren't possible, but as each day passes by, I feel as if I'm being called to something greater.

I have no desire to get married at 20 and have kids 2 years later. A family is the last thing on my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have someone to love. Someone to care about. Someone to encourage and guide me in my walk with Christ. Someone to submit to and follow because I love them more than I love myself. I want that. I want to have the kind of mutual love that changes who I am as a person. I want to experience that.

But it just bewilders me at how..hopeless this scenario seems. I have high expectations for "my guy" (if there is one.) And I won't lower the bar. If no one meets the standards, then so be it. But I'm not settling. I know these standards aren't too high for God, so that's why I'm in no hurry. If something's supposed to happen, it will.

Celibacy would save me a buttload of money, too.

...joke.